


somebody new

by smallredboy



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Abuse, Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), Post-Canon, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 23:54:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20182804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallredboy/pseuds/smallredboy
Summary: Crowleycan'tbe with Aziraphale.





	somebody new

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BiffElderberry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BiffElderberry/gifts).

> for the 300bpm flash exchange-- the prompt was _somebody new_ by the struts.
> 
> enjoy!

“I’m sorry,” Crowley says strainedly, trying not to start crying right there and then. It’s not precisely working out, tears filling his eyes and threatening to spill. He feels like it’s Aziraphale’s disappearance all over again, but now he’s the one disappearing into thin air. He doesn’t like it.

Aziraphale looks at him, eyes wide and his lip trembling. “But I thought—” he starts.

He cuts him short. “I know,” he says. “And I do. But— but I can’t.” 

“They’re not watching us anymore,” Aziraphale says ever so gently, tears filling his eyes as he steps closer to him.

But Crowley knows he can’t. Because. because— he remembers being with Gabriel. Slimy, fucking awful Gabriel. Who knew about his attachment to Aziraphale, their friendship (if you can call it that), and decided to abuse his knowledge. He still recalls the first time Gabriel decided to explore what humanoid bodies felt like, leaning down and kissing Crowley without any cares in the world.

He doesn’t want it, he’s not ready for it. He’s known Aziraphale for six thousand years and an eternity more, but he’s not ready to have another angel touch him like he’s worth so much or worth nothing at all. They might seem like opposites, but in the grand scheme of things, they are the very same thing.

“I can’t,” Crowley insists, voice thick with tears. “I just— I just. I can’t tell you why. I’m sorry.”

“You can,” Aziraphale says desperately, attempting to touch him even as he keeps backing away. “Please, Crowley. I want you.”

And he wants him, too. It’s not that he doesn’t want Aziraphale. For anybody’s sake, he adores Aziraphale. Every little thing about him, how much of a dork he is, how much of a bastard he is, how much of a lover boy he is. It’s too much for him to handle. If someone took care of him with as much care as Aziraphale seems to be going for, he’d spontaneously combust in Hellfire. He just can’t without being reminded of the care Gabriel pretended to seek, the love that was just abuse.

No one can heal him. No one can fix him. He can’t just go to a human therapist and go ‘oh yeah I was abused by a literal fucking angel’. He’s the goddamn serpent— no one will ever believe him. And Aziraphale might hate Gabriel’s guts, and he might hate Gabriel’s guts too, but he won’t believe he’d go that far. Would he? Would he?

He doesn’t know. But still, he pulls away.

* * *

For exactly two weeks, Crowley doesn’t dare speak to Aziraphale.

He couldn’t deal with the sadness in his eyes. The betrayal that seems to pour out of him. All these negative emotions that crash into Crowley like a crash-test car. He just  _ can’t. _

So one day, he gives up. He decides to come back to Aziraphale and tell him— he’s got to tell him.

He gets into the bookshop even as it’s closed without much difficulty.

“It was Gabriel,” he says.

Aziraphale nearly jumps from his seat, his book flopping down on the floor. “Wh-what?”

“It was Gabriel,” he repeats. “That’s—” his voice quivers. “That’s why I just— I  _ can’t  _ be with you.”

He immediately stands up, understanding darkening his beautiful, beautiful eyes. “Anthony,” he says, eyes wide with worry, “did he—?”

He sucks in a breath and nods heavily.

“That fucking bastard,” he chokes out. “I’m so sorry, Crowley. You didn’t deserve that.”

Maybe it’s the absolution from an angel, from his angel, but his body feels a little lighter when he says that. Like he can deal with it, now. 

He knows it’ll be a longer way to recovery, but he’s happy to hope.


End file.
